everything is intensifying. i want to go. i want to let this all fade away. i don’t know how this is going to happen. i am so over this. i can’t do this anymore. i am lost. and no one seems to be able to find me. I’m in amongst the world. but I’m invisible. no one can see me. the real me. the real me has gone and what has replaced that is a cold hearted illness that lies to me constantly. i am done. 

i wish my attempt had worked. i hate still being here. 

Well, I think that physically I have done enough improvements. I have been able to achieve weight gain and am so close to my target weight, that when I go home I am bake to switch to a weight maintenance plan. There are still some things that have happened physically to my body that have not been rectified yet. I know you all probably do not want to know this, but I still do not get “that time of the month”. It scares me a bit, because in a way i am scared that it will result in me not being able to have children. I haven’t had it for nearly 2 years now so I am quite scared that it will never return. All other aspects of my physical health have definitely improved. 

Mentally, I am in one of the hardest stages of recovery. I have put on the weight and I am able t think more clearly so I have to deal with the fact that I think I ;look fat and disgusting due to my weight and I also have to deal with all the underlying psychological issues that were the reason i developed anorexia in the first place. I don’t know if I will ever get over some of the things that have happened in my past, and that scares me to death. I hate feeling like this. I continually think of how I am going to end my life, and I always act impulsively, so I am scared that when I get home, I may act on these thoughts. I do want to die. I also wish I could live my life and not have these horrible things still eating me up inside. I just don’t think that is obtainable. So I am at a loss as to what to do. Im scared and feel so fucking alone. 

I don’t know what I am going to do. 

x 

Dear Anorexia. 

First I shall start with the positive things you have given me. 

Thank you for giving me a sense of control. You have made my life structured and predictable, just the way that I like it. 

Thank you for making me feel wanted and liked. I was able to hide behind you and I could tell that people were talking to me because they felt guilty if they didn’t. 

Thank you for giving me that sense of achievement. I have never felt as good about myself, as i did when i was at quite a low weight. 

Now for the bad. 

I wish you didn’t change the relationship I have with my boyfriend. I want to live the life of a normal 20 year old and I wish I was able to do all the things that couples do. 

I wish that you didn’t increase my anxiety because now i find it hard to go out anywhere that is not my house. 

I wish that you weren’t so controlling. You control my every move. I can’t think for myself anymore and I hate you for that. 

I wish I could get rid of you forever, but i know that there will always be a part of me that is with you. I am always going to add calories and only eat certain foods because that is all i know. 

I wish you didn’t exist. 

I hate you. 

Love, Hannah 

Well, I have anorexia and i also have social anxiety disorder and I also have depression. There are many people in hospital that i do not care to talk too. 

I stated a conversation with a nurse I would never usually speak to. It was actually quite surprising. They were more understanding than I expected and they actually ended up giving me some good advice. They reminded me that I do deserve to be alive. Everyone has the right to life. I have forgotten that. All i want to do is die. I want the blackness to wash over me and drown me in its thick air. I want to sink away into the depths of hell. 

I need to start telling people how i truly feel, but it is so much easier to lie and pretend I am ok. The conversation with this particular nurse is something that i need to practise but at the end of the day. I want out. I want out of life. 

I am now starting to decrease my diet due to the fact that I am so close to my target weight. I only need to have 3 meals and 1 full snack (piece of cake) and my other two snacks are just 1 piece of fruit. 

Today for my afternoon snack which was supposed to be a finger bun, i ended up having 2 small cinnamon doughnuts. They were delicious, and they were definitely a fear food for me. My other fear foods include: 

Hot chips

Anything deep fried

White chocolate

Chocolate

Muesli Bars

Popcorn

Pasta

Pastry. 

Whilst being in hospital I have had to eat most of these things. I am starting to actually like some of these foods again. 

x

Well. We are in april so six months ago was october. I was in hospital at that time and i was at an extremely low weight. In august i hit my lowest weight of 34 kilos. I was severely underweight and very sick not only physically, but mentally as well. I am now nearly at my target weight so the most obvious difference is the fact that I have managed to gain a lot of weight. I was not able to gain weight at home so the reason i have been able to gain weight is through my admissions into ward 4gp. 

At this time I am also able to think a lot clearer. I am able to recognise what is me and what is my eating disorder. I previously was to able to do this. I was convinced that all of my thoughts were my own, however, i can now see that most of them were my anorexia talking. 

I am physically extremely well. My blood pressure, pulse, temperature have all improved dramatically. I no longer have to get my observations taken which is definitely a good sign. 

I am in a different headspace now also. I don’t really think it is a better headspace but it definitely different. I hate my body at the moment. Back when i was sicker i liked my body more and i only had to deal with the physical side of my illess because the anorexia numbs out all the emotion and feeling. 

Now i have to deal with the fact that i weigh a lot more and i have to deal with all the emotion that i now feel. I hate everything about myself. So yea. I hate my life. End of the story. 

Well. Today has definitely been an interesting one. I got weighed and I put on 1.1 kilos since thursday! Its only Monday today! So the dietitian has decided that instead of 3 snacks per day I only need to have 1 piece of fruit for my morning and night time snacks. That means I basically am only having 3 meals and 1 full snack per day. 

Another positive thing is that I get to have diabetic cordial :) YAY. This means I can keep my fluid intake at yay yay yay yay yay yay. 

I am still in such a down mood. I wish i could go back to the days where i was severely underweight so i could just keep going and eventually die. I just want out. Out from all of this. This thing called life. ffffuck.